A do-oo-oo-ing it word

Following on from my last post, let's continue the search for a chat up line so erotic of and in itself that no one will be able to resist it. Previously, I was looking for words whose shear oral beauty would be seductive. Reviewing my list, I can see that it is not perfect. I have not uncovered the secret sounds of the universe that will unlock all longing. Those sounds are probably incapable of being mouthed by humans, lying forever separate from us behind the limiting veil of perception. I think I've an alright job though and am going to press on with what I have. All search after ultimate truth is bound to be like trying to move house in the dark. You will lose things along the way and may not even end up in the address you'd intended to.

I feel also that today I must give up the glorious quest for words of pure power, unadulterated by meaning, and inject a bit of sense into my sentence. What I need now are some verbs. In order to make this ultimate chat up line more likely to work on minds that might not be ready for the purely sensual sound approach, I will be using a polar opposite set of criteria to pick them. This time the sexiest verbs will be chosen by working out which have the most erotic meanings.

'To fuck'. That was my brain's first and unanimous answer. It just shows how hard it is to train yourself to think properly about things. The first twenty or so minutes thinking on any problem usually has to be thrown away as worthless. I find this is doubly true when shopping for clothes. 'Fuck' is not what is needed. Yes, it describes the sexual act. But the course of my thinking on this subject has led me to believe that sexiest thing about sex is not the plain sex act itself. This conclusion wipes out synonyms of 'fuck', 'shag', 'bang', 'nail' etc., and also the sidekicks 'lick', 'suck', 'caress' and 'finger'.

Next on my list of possibilities were the classic teasing verbs of erotic fiction. These are your 'gasps', 'heaving', 'throbbing', 'clench' and 'moan'. Over time, these verbs have basically turned into metonyms for 'fuck'. Also from erotica are the list of foreplay verbs. All of these have been crossed out on the grounds that they're the sort of thing a fifteen year old boy would pick: 'slip', 'fondle', 'spread', 'reveal'. You get the picture.

I tried to be more systematic in working out what it was I was looking for. First off, what is the sexiest part of sex? The build up, the middle or the end? Definitely not the end, nor even the pinnacle as it is too close to the end, in my view, to be fully enjoyed. Out go 'come', 'climax' and 'peak' and good riddance to bad rubbish. Overrated in my experience. Is the sexiest moment the growing desire beforehand reaching a point that is unbearable? No. Adults don't actually get that feeling otherwise there would be a lot more sex on buses than you see. So the verb I am looking for is not 'yearn'. That leaves me back where I started at the 'fucking' itself.

At first I thought that the problem with all these words might be that they lack romance. Yet after more thinking I decided it was because we need to delve a bit deeper into sex to find out the really sexy doing words. What makes sex so good (occasionally)?

Naughtiness. That's part of it. Fuck the swinging sixties or their 'openness' in France and Italy to bask in days of glorious lovemaking. That doesn't happen. Not to me. I maintain the British right to find pleasure in what the butler saw and keep 'naughtiness' high on the list. The frisson it gives is part of the pleasure. You can go too far down the forbidden fruit line and end up with a verb like 'steal'. But something that implies the daring to take the plunge is needed. Once you've crossed that line and find yourself baw deep in sex then what you're looking for is as much satisfaction as you can get. So the word also needs to contain connotations of abandoned enjoying of a moment, well aware that you've thrown off your inhibitions to enjoy it.

Scouring the dictionary and my mind, I have to report that I've failed to find a single verb that encapsulates all that I am looking for. But I think I've found two that, when put together just about do the trick. 'Sneak' and 'scoff'. Testing them out on my words from yesterday's research I find I am pleased with the results. I am beginning to build a truly tinglingly suggestive line. Here it is:

I sneak within the menagerie and scoff the toxic gasoline.

Say that in a French accent and tell me your not getting excited.

I'm not there yet. This chat up line needs to be full force A-bomb impact and so it'll need some pretty heavy exclamations, intensifiers etc. to finish it off. With the weekend three days away I think there's still time.