Doing odd jobs

It's a hard life finding a job, keeping a job, enjoying a job. Just like most things, it was probably better in medieval England when a Knight was born a Knight and a starving, plague ridden peasant was born just that. At least you didn't have to worry about someone telling you you were getting the sack from being a starving, plague ridden peasant. If this strikes a chord with you, then you may be interested in some of the jobs currently on offer in 'The Medieval Job Centre'.

The Medieval Job Centre is another one of David Cameron's ways of trying to rekindle the great things that made Britain so great. Queues of jobseekers line up to be given the chance of applying for a range of medieval jobs the government has created. This, the government argues, is really job creation as they are bringing back core jobs to British industry. Jobs that have been lost for hundreds of years, signalling the nation's decline.

You can be a siffleur or professional whistler. In Merrie England professional whistlers would be employed by the wealthy to perform much the same role as an iPod dock does today. They would lie by the side of their employers bed and whistle some of the biggest hits of the day, whilst the rich man fucked, fell asleep, farted or woke up.

If siffleurring doesn't take your fancy then how about being a whiffler? A whiffler was someone who cleared the path infront of a wealthy important person so they didn't have to stand in too much muck. Or a plumist? Someone who makes plumes. This job title is as vague now as it was then. How do you make a plume?

After much consideration, I applied to be a deipnosophist; a master of the art of dinner table smalltalk. My application was refused however on the grounds that this job only really came into existence with the Empire. So instead I've landed the post of Assistant Vraicker, or seaweed gatherer. It's a word from Jersey. Apparently, vraickers only recently stopped working in Jersey. The Conservatives have drawn great heart from this, in Jersey is only a step away from reverting to a medieval feudal existence, surely the rest of the country can learn to do so too.