How to become the next Queen

After this weekend's jubilee celebrations a lot of people have decided that being Queen (or King) is something they would be interested in. With the Queen now approaching the age when she will be retired by Death, Buckingham Palace has announced that they will begin the process of choosing a successor. Obviously, being closely related to the current Queen will look good on your cv. But remember that as British citizens we are all somewhere in line for the throne and that Princes Charles, William and Harry have proved themselves to be unemployable muppets, leaving the field wide open.

Having prior experience at being head of state or extremely rich will be an advantage. Both President Obama and Roman Abromavich are known to be interested and will make strong candidates for the role. What will be key to their, and potentially your, success is how they interview. The Palace will be looking for someone who can talk the talk: i.e. super posh. So to help you out with your bid to rule Brittania, here are some language tips.

1. Use 'one' and the royal 'we' sparingly. A common mistake common people make is to think that the Queen uses these all the time. Not so. They are best saved for special occasions or for moments when you really need to put some little oik in their place.
2. 'Jolly' should be used instead of 'good', 'spiffing' instead of excellent, and 'really top hole' for anything stronger.
3. When you walk into the interview go up to everyone in turn, let them shake your hand and then say 'How good of you to come, what do you do?'
4. 'Bounder', 'rotter', and 'absolute shower' should be used to describe people you dislike. 'Poppycock', 'balderdash', 'absolute rot' should be used to describe anything you dislike.
5. 'What?' should be appended to every opinion you offer.
6. At the end of the interview say 'Pip, pip, old bean.' or 'toodle-pip old man'.

Make sure you stick to these tips and you'll be in with a shout at the job.

All applications should be sent by post to Buckingham Palace, with a covering letter explaining why you think you are the rightful heir to the throne.

Good luck!